Have you ever had a period of time where you are clearly not yourself, but you do not know how to get out of that funk? Well, I am sitting right in the middle of that and am feeling a little lost. Over the past four months, I have hit a dry spell, both socially and spiritually. I have experienced a lack of joy that I once had with other people and I have struggled with finding my way back to Jesus.
Earlier this semester, I had to create a mission statement for myself for my Administrative Communication class and I came up with this: My mission is to invest in other people in the way that Jesus did. For me, this looks like forming relationships that consist of unconditional love, constant growth, and unforgettable memories. Unfortunately, this mission has not been possible because I have created roadblocks that have been very difficult for me to get past. Those main roadblocks have been: selfishness, judging others, setting unfair expectations for others, and loving conditionally.
The act of admitting to the world that I have been selfish, especially over the past four months, makes me cringe. The act of being unselfish is one of the biggest characteristic traits that I value in others, yet I have failed miserably at achieving this myself. This selfishness goes hand in hand with my controlling nature. I have noticed that I love to have control over situations, conversations, projects, etc. I find myself always asking, “I want”…fill in the blank. Although I think the intentions behind those “I wants” can sometimes be good, I want to learn how to be more unselfish with my desires. I want to learn how to listen in conversation, instead of always interrupting and asking questions or providing what I think. I don’t want to be possessive over materialistic things, but instead be unselfish with my stuff, my time, and whatever else I have to offer.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
The act of judging others is another concept that I have been battling with. I have learned over the past week that I am so much in my head about what is right vs. what is wrong instead of focusing more on my heart. Focusing more on the love that I can offer others and the joy that I can provide for their lives. Yet instead, I tend to over-analyze every situation, comment, or action and from there I create an opinion on that person. It is so easy for me to pick out what people can work on, instead of what people are good at. I strive for this mentality to be changed and I am learning that it is important to look inward before even approaching the possibility of looking outward. Scripture provides a great reminder of this concept in Matthew.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Setting certain expectations for yourself, your friends, and the progression of relationships can be a really negative thing, even when the mentality behind those expectations might be good. I struggle a lot with expectations that are involved in the progression of relationships. I am someone that loves to go deeper in conversation, who loves to look for growth in others and in myself, and who loves to encourage others in those moments. Unfortunately, I have not gone about that encouragement in the best way possible. This is where my head over heart concept comes into play, as I tend to explain what is right vs. what is wrong instead of just loving on others for where they are at. I often overlook the struggles that one might be having and drill them by saying, “Do this…do that!” That is not the person that I want to be at all and I am learning that people progress at different times and that it is not always my responsibility to turn the light on for that person. It has been a humbling experience to learn that God is going to call the shots, as I often have tried to fix problems on my own and have not gotten through to those people or have come up short.
I tend to find myself overly invested in other people’s problems. Is that because I care? Absolutely. With that being said, I am learning to pick my battles. I want to be someone that people can feel comfortable coming to with real life problems or who people can come to just to have fun and hang out. I want to offer wisdom to others in ways that I can because I want to serve others, without having expectations of progress. I want to love on others unconditionally, regardless of the changing of certain variables.
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”
With those certain expectations I have loved conditionally. I have loved others when they have treated me with respect and have loved me back. Have I loved those who have been frustrated with me, who have been angry with me, or who have distanced themselves from me? I have tried, but I have fallen short over and over again. The act of loving unconditionally is a trait that is rare and yet Jesus provided a perfect example of how we can do that.
“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
What now? I look forward to getting back to who I was before. I am excited about the future and I am ecstatic to get out of this rut that I have found myself in. I truly believe the Holy Spirit is working within me, even if this is a hard point of my life. Even over the past week, I have learned that I need to be more dependent on my relationship with Jesus. I need to talk to Him more, read more of His word, and trust Him more. Trusting Jesus with everything that I have and being vulnerable with that has been hard. Like I said, I like to have control and giving it ALL to Jesus is something that I am unfamiliar with. I look forward to growing in my relationship with Him, which hopefully allows His love to overflow onto me and then towards others.
Family and friends, I hope what I have shared has been an encouragement to all of you, and I hope to hear from you. I am serious about becoming a closer follower of Christ. I am learning that people care, people want to listen, and people love you more than you know. Let me know what you are going through. Give me your wisdom. Laugh with me. Cry with me. Search for the little joys that Jesus places in our lives and journey with me. Perhaps we can work together, always seeking to keep ourselves in line with Jesus and walking closer to Him. He is the answer for all of our struggles, and when we hit dry spells, He provides the spring in our thirst for water.
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”