Recently I had a conversation with older brother, Chad, and he challenged me with this question; “Who is Bryce?” Now this is not the easiest question to immediately answer, and after he said it I have had a hard time getting that question to escape my mind. This question seems simple, but have you ever asked yourself who you are?
I have been traveling between San Diego and Santa Barbara quite a bit over the past couple of weeks and it has allowed for a lot of “alone time” in the car. Chad’s question continued to surface in my mind; “Who is Bryce?” As I drove the freeways I began to get a much clearer picture of why this question has been hard for me to answer.
Growing up I had always been the “good kid”, the kid that everyone loved—a people pleaser. I worked hard to get along with my friends, my parents, other family friends, and I even had a rare chemistry with kids. As a people pleaser, I realized that I cannot stand when someone is upset and/or irked by me. I never really had many people who I had rubbed the wrong way, but of course there have been a few. When I did happen to displease someone I would do whatever I could to fix the problem. My “go to” solution was simple; I would go to these people and talk with them and get back on good terms so that I no longer felt uneasy.
But I have discovered that living this way has its problems. I have learned that it is very tiring to make sure that you are on good terms with everyone and it is catching up to me. I have realized that regardless of who you are or what you do, you are going to have people that disagree with you and/or the actions that you do. As I have processed the question, “Who is Bryce?” I have learned that I have created an identity in which I value myself for what others think about me.
So, where should I go from here? I am not finished with the question “Who is Bryce?” and I believe the question “What does he value?” deserves attention as well. I will continue seeking answers and I will start by bringing these questions to God. I believe God created each of us to be unique, with different desires and dreams. I think two gifts God has given me are to love other people well and to have a spirit of joy as I help grow God’s kingdom. I love lighting up a room and bringing smiles to people’s faces. I often do this by making a fool of myself with my “spazzy” energy or my ridiculous dance moves. If you know me you also know that I love to dish out the sass :). Although these things can provide a good laugh, I have discovered the best way to light people up is to intentionally listen and ask questions so that others feel heard and understood. It sounds simple, but it can make a lasting impact.
I believe I am entering a season where I will begin to find out more and more about who I am. To take full advantage of this, I must stop allowing the fear of failure to take over and prevent me from discovering more of who I am. I know that the fear of failure makes me shut down and disengage, because I think I am protecting myself. From now on I am going to meet that fear head-on and find out all that God has to teach me.
It has been a humbling last couple of months, but I am learning and I am leaning in to discover even more. In this next season I plan to embrace opportunities in which I might fail or where I might look like an absolute dingus. During this whole process, I will be praying that the Lord continues to refine and show me the path that He has for me. I am excited about this and although the possibility of failure can be intimidating, I look forward to seeing the growth and breakthrough that comes with this new mentality.
I can relate this whole process to baseball in that I might not find out who I am or what I am called to do on the first pitch. I might even strike out a couple of times before getting a hit. But if I don’t have the courage to step into the batters box, then there is absolutely no way I can discover who God wants me to be and how I can get base hits for His glory.
To put it all in a nutshell, I am going to find out more of who I am and not who people want me to be. Bob Goff, in his new book, Everybody Always, says, “When joy is a habit, love is a reflex”. If I can start there, I feel like I will be in pretty good shape.